pervert
by autumn
You cannot want it too badly. Else you'll find yourself at the back of a ktv room, sitting beside a girl you used to love all those years ago and your heart is not pumping, not racing for her. You're swaying to the music and mouthing the lyrics to a song you don't even know and this all feels so faraway from the person you were supposed to be. You cannot want to belong too badly. If not you'll find yourself ditched, at the side of the road in the early dawn, hearing the sirens fade further and further away, the city lights abandoning you to the curb. You cannot think about it too deeply if not, then, you'll have to admit to yourself that you never loved them; you just needed something to mourn. You cannot be too deep into this phase, if not you'll be out with her one day and neither of you can say the word lesbian without a grimace. One day when someone you've just met sees a drag queen in public, you'll laugh along with her, giggling like you're in on the same joke. One day not so faraway, this will all be a distant memory, because you cannot join a community for the sake of belonging. In my dreams I conjure all the little details: the rainbow print on my wall, the rip in my bedsheets, your lips cushioned against mine; then i wake up, breathing out deeply.
how to gay month without gay poem???
title inspired by a scene from my recent watch (badhaai do) of a reaction to someone coming out…happy pride month to all ily
--autumn